Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
